Special Agent William FrawleyPlanet 8676Present DayHe sat staring at his screen wondering what in the hell those humans were doing down there. Had they all gone completely nuts? The chief galactic observer on Planet 8676, who was in charge of observing the Milky Way Galaxy, shut down his screen and sent for his top agent.
“I have an assignment for you.”
“Yes sir.”
“I need a firsthand, up-close report, so I need to send you somewhere for a few weeks. Are you up for it?”
“Of course. Where do you want me to go?”
“Planet Earth. There’s something weird going on there, and I can’t figure it out. My heat-detection grid indicates large numbers of the human beings there are relocating themselves. I’m also detecting an inordinate number of spacecraft launchings outside of the planet’s atmosphere. Earth is close to twenty-seven billion light-years away, so I’m unable to get a really detailed look, and I’m also noticing that a number of the human beings appear to be staring at their hands. Particularly in the country of America.”
“Huh . . . that is weird.”
“Agreed. So I need for you to go there and observe up-close, find out what it is they are looking at. In general, try to find out what the hell is going on.”
“Yes sir.”
He studied his screen again, then said, “On my image-map of that particular country, there are a lot of different regions, so maybe somewhere in their Midwest area.”
“Fine.”
“Okay, so I’ll contact ICR and get you set up. Good luck.”
“Thank you, sir.”
The special agent then headed over to the Intergalactic Codes and Replicas Department to pick up his new form.
The head engineer greeted him and said, “I hear you are going to Planet Earth.”
“Looks like.”
He looked in his file. “Okay, intelligent life on Earth . . . Human beings. So, we need to make you up a human being form. Let’s get started.”
The special agent was curious. “What do human beings even look like?”
“Come on in the back and we’ll scan some of them so you can see for yourself.”
The agent was shown what they had on file pertaining to images of humans, of their politicians, various celebrities, entertainments, et cetera.
“Wow . . . humans are pretty funny-looking, huh?”
“Agreed. So, what would you prefer to be, male or female?”
“Oh gosh, I don’t know . . . What do you think?”
“Male, I think. Might be easier. So which one of these male images would you prefer?”
The agent looked again. “Hmmm. How about that one?” he said, and pointed to a photo of Brad Pitt with his shirt off.
“I don’t blame you, but that one might make it too hard for you to go unnoticed. The boss says you are there to observe, not to be observed.”
“You’re right. So I guess I need something more . . . average.”
The head engineer then said, “Hey, how about that funny guy? He’s on their I Love Lucy television show. He’s married to a female human named Ethel. Fred Mertz, I think. Hold on.” He brought up a clip of the TV show.
“Oh. Okay,” said the special agent.
“William Frawley is the actor’s name who plays the part of Fred. Is this one okay?”
“Sure, make me up to look something like that William Frawley. But maybe with a little more hair, and a little thinner . . . if you could?”
“You got it.”
The special agent would be posing as a human only for a short while, but he already found himself getting a little vain about his looks. Oh well, he guessed that was just part of the territory.
At first, the replica department had some difficulty making the human eyes and knees work properly, but they soon solved the problem. So after the second go-round, the special agent entered the voice-activated finished replica form, and moments after stepping into the Superluminal Unit, special agent William Frawley appeared at the front desk of a Marriott hotel outside Fort Wayne, Indiana, and checked in. He showed them a small plastic card that had been put in his pocket, and they were all very nice and welcomed him. He liked his room, but now, being human, he was very tired and a little disoriented.
This was the first time he had ever encountered color. All the images of Earth on his boss’s screen were light gray, but here on Earth, everything was a different color and it almost made him dizzy.
So he got a good night’s sleep and prepared to start work the next day. The next morning, he went downstairs for a complimentary breakfast and ate something pink called a Pop-Tart, and drank some hot, brown liquid called coffee. Then he took a walk around the little town. It, too, was very colorful and very crowded with humans, and he was pleased that not one person who passed by seemed to notice that he was not one of them. In fact, most didn’t even look at him.
But he could see right away that this was in part due to the odd behavior that had been recorded from his planet. He could see that the humans were not just looking at their hands, they were staring at things in their hands they called cellphones. All day and night it seemed they were busy looking at these cellphone things, sending messages and photos of themselves to other humans, and evidently other humans were sending some back.
He also spent a lot of time looking at the current news shows on all the different channels on a large TV screen. What a shock that was! All they seemed to report was bad news, and everybody had the most terrible things to say about other humans who did not agree with them. He purchased a cellphone and began studying what the man in the phone store called social media, read lots of blogs, and the same was true there. He also found out from the news that the launches his boss had seen were many satellites and the humans’ attempt to expand their space travel. When he wasn’t studying his TV screen and cellphone, he would just walk around town, go into a few bars and restaurants, and talk to people. He also observed that most of the humans he met had an opinion on everything and were happy to tell him what it was, even though he hadn’t asked. And the interesting thing to him was they all believed that they were right. And many were quick to let him know that they had recently moved to the area so that they could talk to people who agreed with them. Others, who had differing opinions, had moved to another area of America, where they could talk to people who agreed with them. These humans seemed so odd. Quite lot a number of them, particularly the younger ones, had colored pictures and writing printed all over their arms and legs.
And a lot walked around town with some sort of four-legged animal on a string.
It was hard work, this observing humans all day long, but at night he really enjoyed himself, ordering room service and sitting up in bed, watching all the shows on the TV—particularly the old movie channel.
He was tickled when he saw pictures of what humans envisioned beings from other planets to look like. They thought aliens from outer space all had big, bulbous, bald heads and large black eyes. He had to laugh. He couldn’t be sure about the others, but all the beings on his planet were about half the size of the tip of a needle, one hundred times smarter than humans, and perfectly formed. Most of the humans he was seeing were big and bulky, except for this one lady who worked at the Baskin–Robbins ice-cream parlor down the street from the hotel.
In his spare time, just to get a break from all the bad news on TV, he really enjoyed watching the old reruns of that I Love Lucy show on the classic TV channel. He loved seeing his namesake. It made him laugh to look at himself.
Never having been human, laughing was a new sensation for him, as were so many things. Before he came to Earth, Special Agent William Frawley had never had taste buds and never tasted coffee, or ever eaten food. And he was finding the more he ate, the more he enjoyed it. Hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza, popcorn, fried chicken, and lately the special at Taco Bell. But he particularly loved ice cream and was soon at the Baskin–Robbins ice-cream parlor every afternoon at four.
At this point, he really had all the information he needed, and could have gone home to his planet, but he was having such a good time, he decided to stay just a little longer. And it wasn’t just the ice cream he liked at Baskin–Robbins, it was the lady behind the counter.
He supposed she was about his replica’s age, and she was as sweet as the product she sold. Her name was Debbie, and she seemed to like him too. After a while they had a routine going. Each afternoon when he came in, she would say, “Bill, we need to find your favorite, so today I want you to try Pralines and Cream.” By the end of the first month, he had gone through all thirty-one flavors, from Chocolate Mint Chip, Cherries Jubilee, and Lemon Sorbet to Chocolate-Chip Cookie Dough. He made his decision and declared nothing beat just plain Vanilla. “Good choice,” said Debbie. “I agree.”
Copyright © 2025 by Fannie Flagg. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
