I Am Worthy

1

You Are Worthy of Worthiness

I am learning that this body is not a battlefield but a home to
a heart that is worthy of the tenderness it aches for.
—Cailin Hargreaves

A few months into my sobriety journey, I walked into a small basement full of strangers for my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and noticed a sign on the wall that said "Let us love you until you can love yourself." Something immediately lifted for me when I read those words. It was like the sign hanging on the wall knew my secret: I didn't feel worthy of love, and I was terrified of being supported. I tried to mask the feelings of unworthiness with a variety of methods: perfectionism, control, bouncing from one relationship to the next, pretending to have it all together, and addiction, to name a few. I wanted so badly to feel worthy of good things, but I didn't. It was in admitting to myself that I didn't feel worthy that I finally went on a journey to reclaim my worth in all the ways.

In that room, I felt that I could take off my armor, that I didn't have to be so strong, and that I didn't have to lie or try to cover up my imperfect human parts. For the first time, it was okay that I didn't love myself, because they would love me until I could.

As someone who had always prided herself on being a type A person, this was a huge lesson for me. We as a society are compensated for thriving. There is little room for breakdowns, for reflection, for healing, for the often long and arduous process it takes to go from Point A to Point B, and the even longer process to get to Point Z. We're obsessed with results, and we go so fast we can barely breathe. We disconnect from our bodies, trying to optimize our performance and hack our efficiency. Even if we have the semblance of being put-together and strong, on the inside, we're crumbling.

We are often taught that when we have x, y, and z (the relationship, the dream job, the perfect house), then we'll finally be worthy. The problem is, it doesn't work that way. There is always something we will never have, a next level to reach, another set of Joneses exhorting us to keep up and look good as we do it. As most spiritual traditions have told us for eons, worth isn't something that comes from the outside. It's an inside job. Worth is intrinsic, and it's soul work to dig deep and recognize this. Our sense of worth cannot stop at an intellectual knowing; it is the pearl that has to emerge from the oyster of our core self.

When I stepped into that meeting room, I'd been teaching other women the principles of self-love for years already, and while I believed in my message wholeheartedly, I didn't feel worthy of love. I didn't feel worthy of peace. I didn't feel worthy of happiness. I didn't even feel worthy of feeling worthy, which is the subject of this chapter. It took breaking down in front of people I didn't know to recognize I needed time and space to break down and work on myself.

It was there that I realized that no matter what, I needed to heal and learn to feel worthy-because if I didn't, I would keep replaying negative patterns that pushed me down further, robbed me of my power, and kept me in a cycle of unworthiness. I recognized the ripple effects this would have for me and the people I cared about, as well as the women I dreamed of someday touching with the uplifting message that screamed to me from my soul.

I was here to help other women do their Worthy Work, but first I had to come to terms with just how unworthy I felt. A variety of accolades had come and gone, but they didn't change the despair I woke up to every morning and went to sleep with every night. I had come to the realization that so many spiritual seekers finally do, a swift kick to the gut that moves them into meaningful action: I knew that even if I did manage to get the things I wanted, it would be only a fleeting sense of external validation rather than a reflection of my deep self-acceptance and worth.

That's when I went on a quest to heal and reclaim my worth.

This Thing Called Worthiness

The word worth has compelled me for so long. Intuitively, I have always known that it's the key to unlocking the doors to a life that truly feels good. But . . . what even is it? What is it not? How can we unpack it so that we see how it's actually operating in our own life-not as a concept, but as a reality? How do we reclaim it?

Worthiness is defined as "being good enough," and we as human beings, especially women, often struggle with feeling good enough. Being a good enough child, a good enough friend, a good enough caregiver, a good enough partner, a good enough worker or business owner, a good enough artist or creator. At its core, a sense of worthiness is the belief that we are valuable and deserving of love and respect. It is the understanding that we are enough, simply because we exist. Worthiness is not something that can be earned or achieved through external accomplishments or validation. It is an inherent aspect of our being that can't be taken away or diminished by external circumstances.

Your sense of self-worth impacts whether you believe you are a good person who deserves good things or a bad person who deserves bad things. Beloved researcher and author Brené Brown has noted that our self-worth isn't some mysterious thing that exists separate from who we are in the world; it can be located inside the stories we've learned to tell ourselves. It also exists in our willingness to be vulnerable and to live in what Brown calls a "wholehearted" way. When we are living wholeheartedly, we have faith in our ability to deal with situations, challenges, and relationships. This doesn't mean we expect that everything will work out; it just means we believe our feelings, goals, and desires have value. We believe we are worthy of showing up as our wholehearted self in every moment.

This means we risk being vulnerable. A feeling of unworthiness is often connected with a fear of being vulnerable, as we believe negative outcomes might mean something negative about our core self. But worthiness is connected with the willingness to live in a full-out way. Even if our heart breaks, it breaks us open to our most authentic self. We may risk embarrassment or judgment (and sometimes, let's be real, worse), but if we don't live wholeheartedly, we risk never having our needs for intimacy and connection-with our true self, and with others' true selves-met.

Self-worth is key for so many reasons. For starters, if we don't feel worthy, we will constantly attempt to validate our worth in external things-other people, opportunities, accomplishments, possessions, substances. We won't feel worthy of good things, because deep inside, we don't value ourselves. If we don't value ourselves, either we won't be able to cultivate a life that we love, or we'll live feeling like an imposter for receiving our desires and having our needs met. It is imperative to build this relationship to our worthiness so that we can live a life grounded in an internal relationship to self that is solid and feels deserving of a beautiful life.

Ultimately, worthiness is important because it shapes our beliefs about ourselves and our place in the world. By cultivating a sense of worthiness, we can live more fulfilling and meaningful lives, and contribute positively to the world around us.

Worthiness isn't optional. When we believe that we are worthy, we are more likely to take risks, pursue our goals, and assert our boundaries. We are less likely to be swayed by validation or criticism, and more likely to trust our own intuition and inner wisdom. Conversely, when we struggle with unworthiness, we are more prone to self-doubt, anxiety, and depression. We struggle to assert our boundaries or pursue our goals, fearing that we're not good enough or deserving of success. We seek validation or approval from others to feel worthy, rather than trusting our own inner worthiness. We may even tolerate unhealthy or abusive relationships, or struggle to form connections with others.

It's important to remember that you don't have to be "perfect" in order to be worthy. In fact, displaying enough vulnerability to reveal the tender, even flawed, parts of oneself is a strong display of self-worth. You're owning that you're human, that you might have fears and insecurities, but that you still believe in your inherent goodness. When you do this, you can stop resorting to coping mechanisms like constantly having to prove yourself, perform, or please. Instead, you can be real with others and yourself. You can say, "I am good enough, just as I am."

Let's take a moment to get crystal clear about what your self-worth is not!

Your self-worth is not based on:

- External validation
- Your job or career
- Your body or physical appearance
- Your social media following or engagement
- Your finances or money
- Your grades, external awards, or recognition
- Whether or not people like or approve of you

It's tempting to view any or all of these as a reflection of your worth. The thing about worth, though, is that if we're not deeply connected to our own inherent worth, we block the good stuff, no matter how much we want it. As a result, it doesn't happen, or we feel unsatisfied when it does happen, or we sabotage it when it arrives and then end up losing it again.

You may have seen this play out in your own life or the life of someone you love. Someone attracts a good relationship, or more money, or a unique opportunity for exposure and recognition, but they don't feel worthy of it, or they fear losing it . . . so they attract drama or a crisis that takes it away or prevents them from enjoying it. Then they decide this is proof that they weren't deserving to begin with. In this self-fulfilling prophecy, they create what they don't want rather than creating what they both want and deserve.

As spiritual beings on this human journey, I believe we are here to learn and grow, and to become even more of who we are. We get to look at the areas of our lives that have blocks and love those parts up until they feel whole and healthy. I believe it's our spiritual mission to heal the areas of our lives that we struggle in and, in turn, access the love and blessings on the other side of that challenge. It's time to break the blocks and reclaim your worth.

But the question still remains: How do we go about building our self-worth?

To get started, let's move into some Worthy Work; the following assessment will help you identify where you stand right now in your sense of worthiness. Remember, there is no "good" or "bad." I still have moments when I vacillate on any given day, which is when I call on La Diosa and allow myself to be bathed in her love. The information that follows isn't meant to make you judge yourself; it's here to expand your awareness and help you grow!

Worthy Work:
Self-Worth Assessment

Below is a list of statements dealing with your general feelings about yourself. Please indicate how strongly you agree or disagree with each statement.

1. On the whole, I believe I am worthy of love.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

2. At times, I think nothing good will ever come to me.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

3. I am deserving of good things.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

4. I believe I can easily attract good situations into my life.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

5. I can be proud of who I am.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

6. I feel that other people get good things and I don't.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

7. I'm a person of worth.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

8. I wish I could love and respect myself more.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

9. I often feel something about me is inherently wrong or not "good enough."

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

10. I am loving and kind to myself.

Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree

Scoring: For items 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, and 10, give "Strongly Disagree" 1 point, "Disagree" 2 points, "Agree" 3 points, and "Strongly Agree" 4 points. Items 2, 6, 8, and 9 are reverse-scored; give "Strongly Disagree" 4 points, "Disagree" 3 points, "Agree" 2 points, and "Strongly Agree" 1 point. Add up the scores for all ten items. Higher scores indicate higher self-worth.

Remember that doing this work might bring up a mixture of feelings and maybe even some old stories you didn't know were buried deep inside, so allow yourself to feel them and write down whatever comes up. Worthy Work encourages us to become emotional archaeologists, digging up information about our feelings and giving ourselves the space to consciously choose what works for us and what no longer aligns.

Another thing to keep in mind is that this book explores a variety of different areas of your life. You may feel more worthy of good things in some areas than you do in others. If you'd like, you can complete the Self-Worth Assessment for each area we will cover, or you can take a moment to use your intuition and gauge where you might fall in each area.

I ask you to bring loving awareness, mindfulness, and consciousness to your thoughts. Explore what they say. Jot them down if you'd like, but remember to never trust the lies that unworthiness speaks to you.

The Conditioned Self vs. the Worthy Self

In order to step into our worthy woman self, we need to recognize the ways in which our conditioned self has hijacked our consciousness.

The conditioned self is the part of you that was influenced by external factors. These influences do not belong to our authentic self, but come from learned behaviors and beliefs we have internalized for the sake of survival. For example, if we were conditioned to believe that our most important quality is our physical beauty, our conditioned self will rely heavily on this external quality, perhaps at the expense of inner qualities like kindness or curiosity. The conditioned self is characterized by fear, competition, individualism, a feeling of victimhood or helplessness, and an overall sense of low self-worth, whereas the authentic self is characterized by love, collaboration, community, a feeling that problems can be solved creatively, and an overall sense of confidence in your self-worth.