Prologue
Date: The 789th day of the year 58-493-D
Planet: Lyttyrboks
Place: The Supremest Court of All Galactic Order
My enemies came for me at naptime.
Before I could even unsheathe my claws, they pounced atop me. They tied me up and chained my paws, and then they dragged me from my holding cell into the Supremest Court of All Galactic Order.
It was a most unpleasant way to wake up.
Though I could not fight them, I yowled so ferociously that the courtroom crowd—traitors, all of them!—hissed and scattered.
Only one cat had not betrayed me: my loyal minion, Flooffee-Fyr.
“You’ll always be my Lord High Emperor!” he called. “And I will always be your—oww!”
Someone had smacked him on the back of the head. It was the greatest traitor of them all, my former second-in-command—General Ffangg!
“Not such a mighty and powerful warlord now, are you?” he said, purring.
My tail slashed in anger. “I shall have my REVENGE on you, Ffangg!”
“We shall see about that,” Ffangg said, and bared his teeth at me as the Thirteen Noble Elders filed into the room.
The Chief Elder licked his right paw and called the court to order.
“My fellow cats,” he began. “Thousands of years ago, when our planet was overrun by criminal felines, our wise ancestors decided that these evildoers must be exiled.
“Far across the universe, they discovered a vast wasteland of a planet, inhabited by a race of carnivorous ogres. For generations, we sent our convicts there. None ever returned. But in the year 49-763-B, the punishment was deemed too cruel, and it was decreed that no feline—no matter how evil, no matter how tyrannical—would ever again be sent to this horrible place. And so it has been.
“Until you came along.
“You, former Lord High Emperor, have been so relentless in clawing your way to power, so ruthless in your evil schemes of domination, and so dedicated to general crimes against felinity, that we are forced to resurrect this ancient punishment.”
The crowd gasped.
“Have you anything to say, Wyss-Kuzz?” asked the Chief Elder.
A lesser cat might have begged for mercy, but all I showed them was my scorn! “Every one of you feckless felines will rue the day you overthrew me—the greatest warlord the universe has ever known—for the likes of a pathetic schemer like General Ffangg! You may shoot me into space like yesterday’s trash, but I swear to you that one day soon, I WILL BE BACK!”
General Ffangg chuckled. “You will be an ogre’s breakfast.”
With a wave of Ffangg’s paw, the guards unbound me and forced me into the waiting teleporter. Brilliant green light flashed as the wormhole opened. In an instant, I was transported 2,900.4 million light-years across space—to the most horrible, distant, and desolate planet in the universe:
Earth.
Chapter 1
Saturday.
It was a rainy Saturday night, and I was lying on the floor of my new living room, staring at the ceiling and wishing I were anywhere but here. Dad was watching baseball, Mom was working on her laptop, and I was experiencing a life-threatening level of boredom.
I still couldn’t believe what had happened. Up until last week, I’d been living a really great life in Brooklyn, New York. But then my parents decided to move 2,900.4 miles across the country to here.
Elba, Oregon.
If you ask me—and no one did—this was a terrible idea.
In New York, I could visit three friends without ever leaving my apartment building. And when I did leave, I could walk to the library, a comic book store, a candy shop, and two pizzerias all without having to cross the street.
If I left my house in Elba, I could walk to twelve trees, an ant mound, a hornets’ nest, and a bunch of rosebushes. Nature was everywhere.
It was spooky.
According to my mom, we’d moved to Oregon because she’d gotten a better job, and I got to have a big bedroom and a backyard.
But that stuff didn’t matter to me. Where were the comic book stores and pizza places? There wasn’t a single shop on my street—not even a laundromat with good vending machines!
Here in Oregon, I had nothing to do and zero friends. Which was maybe why I hadn’t unpacked yet.
But then again, neither had my parents. What their excuse was, I had no idea.
I’d just picked up the latest Americaman comic to read for the millionth time when it happened—a bright green flash lighting up the sky outside the window. It only lasted a second, and then everything went dark and rainy again.
“Did you see that?” I asked.
“Yes!” my dad hollered. “Torres stole third base! Third base!”
“No, that crazy green light!”
My mom looked up from her laptop. “What, dear?”
“The green light outside!” I said.
“Oh, Raj, that was just lightning,” my mom said.
Okay, so another weird thing about Oregon: green lightning.
I went back to reading my comic—and then the doorbell rang.
DING-DONG!
The doorbell? Who could that be?
Chapter 2
Here I was.
Alone.
On Earth.
It was even more horrifying than the ancient texts had described.
It was nighttime. Blazing lights shone down from the top of huge, branchless trees. As I scanned the area for carnivorous ogres and other dangers, something wet hit me on the nose.
There was a liquid, falling from the sky!
Was this some sort of chemical weapon? Was I under attack?
I rushed under a leafy bush, but it offered little protection. The liquid slid down my lustrous fur, chilling me to the bone. I didn’t know what it could possibly be, but I HATED it. I had to find shelter now!
Thankfully, many of the trees on this planet did have branches. I climbed the nearest one, from which I immediately found evidence of Humans.
All around stood their massive fortresses, packed in so close they almost touched one another. High wooden walls surrounded their small patches of territory. In front of the fortresses sat huge, tank-like vehicles.
This must be a very warlike planet indeed.
I needed to gain entry into one of these fortified structures. I didn’t know what the ogres within would do to me, but this falling liquid was intolerable.
I raced to the nearest fortress. Next to its front portal was a glowing button. A push-button to open the entrance! Perhaps this would allow me to sneak in without being noticed. I leaped up and pressed it.
DING-DONG!
Hiss! Why did it make that awful noise?
Prologue
Date: The 789th day of the year 58-493-D
Planet: Lyttyrboks
Place: The Supremest Court of All Galactic Order
My enemies came for me at naptime.
Before I could even unsheathe my claws, they pounced atop me. They tied me up and chained my paws, and then they dragged me from my holding cell into the Supremest Court of All Galactic Order.
It was a most unpleasant way to wake up.
Though I could not fight them, I yowled so ferociously that the courtroom crowd—traitors, all of them!—hissed and scattered.
Only one cat had not betrayed me: my loyal minion, Flooffee-Fyr.
“You’ll always be my Lord High Emperor!” he called. “And I will always be your—oww!”
Someone had smacked him on the back of the head. It was the greatest traitor of them all, my former second-in-command—General Ffangg!
“Not such a mighty and powerful warlord now, are you?” he said, purring.
My tail slashed in anger. “I shall have my REVENGE on you, Ffangg!”
“We shall see about that,” Ffangg said, and bared his teeth at me as the Thirteen Noble Elders filed into the room.
The Chief Elder licked his right paw and called the court to order.
“My fellow cats,” he began. “Thousands of years ago, when our planet was overrun by criminal felines, our wise ancestors decided that these evildoers must be exiled.
“Far across the universe, they discovered a vast wasteland of a planet, inhabited by a race of carnivorous ogres. For generations, we sent our convicts there. None ever returned. But in the year 49-763-B, the punishment was deemed too cruel, and it was decreed that no feline—no matter how evil, no matter how tyrannical—would ever again be sent to this horrible place. And so it has been.
“Until you came along.
“You, former Lord High Emperor, have been so relentless in clawing your way to power, so ruthless in your evil schemes of domination, and so dedicated to general crimes against felinity, that we are forced to resurrect this ancient punishment.”
The crowd gasped.
“Have you anything to say, Wyss-Kuzz?” asked the Chief Elder.
A lesser cat might have begged for mercy, but all I showed them was my scorn! “Every one of you feckless felines will rue the day you overthrew me—the greatest warlord the universe has ever known—for the likes of a pathetic schemer like General Ffangg! You may shoot me into space like yesterday’s trash, but I swear to you that one day soon, I WILL BE BACK!”
General Ffangg chuckled. “You will be an ogre’s breakfast.”
With a wave of Ffangg’s paw, the guards unbound me and forced me into the waiting teleporter. Brilliant green light flashed as the wormhole opened. In an instant, I was transported 2,900.4 million light-years across space—to the most horrible, distant, and desolate planet in the universe:
Earth.
Chapter 1
Saturday.
It was a rainy Saturday night, and I was lying on the floor of my new living room, staring at the ceiling and wishing I were anywhere but here. Dad was watching baseball, Mom was working on her laptop, and I was experiencing a life-threatening level of boredom.
I still couldn’t believe what had happened. Up until last week, I’d been living a really great life in Brooklyn, New York. But then my parents decided to move 2,900.4 miles across the country to here.
Elba, Oregon.
If you ask me—and no one did—this was a terrible idea.
In New York, I could visit three friends without ever leaving my apartment building. And when I did leave, I could walk to the library, a comic book store, a candy shop, and two pizzerias all without having to cross the street.
If I left my house in Elba, I could walk to twelve trees, an ant mound, a hornets’ nest, and a bunch of rosebushes. Nature was everywhere.
It was spooky.
According to my mom, we’d moved to Oregon because she’d gotten a better job, and I got to have a big bedroom and a backyard.
But that stuff didn’t matter to me. Where were the comic book stores and pizza places? There wasn’t a single shop on my street—not even a laundromat with good vending machines!
Here in Oregon, I had nothing to do and zero friends. Which was maybe why I hadn’t unpacked yet.
But then again, neither had my parents. What their excuse was, I had no idea.
I’d just picked up the latest Americaman comic to read for the millionth time when it happened—a bright green flash lighting up the sky outside the window. It only lasted a second, and then everything went dark and rainy again.
“Did you see that?” I asked.
“Yes!” my dad hollered. “Torres stole third base! Third base!”
“No, that crazy green light!”
My mom looked up from her laptop. “What, dear?”
“The green light outside!” I said.
“Oh, Raj, that was just lightning,” my mom said.
Okay, so another weird thing about Oregon: green lightning.
I went back to reading my comic—and then the doorbell rang.
DING-DONG!
The doorbell? Who could that be?
Chapter 2
Here I was.
Alone.
On Earth.
It was even more horrifying than the ancient texts had described.
It was nighttime. Blazing lights shone down from the top of huge, branchless trees. As I scanned the area for carnivorous ogres and other dangers, something wet hit me on the nose.
There was a liquid, falling from the sky!
Was this some sort of chemical weapon? Was I under attack?
I rushed under a leafy bush, but it offered little protection. The liquid slid down my lustrous fur, chilling me to the bone. I didn’t know what it could possibly be, but I HATED it. I had to find shelter now!
Thankfully, many of the trees on this planet did have branches. I climbed the nearest one, from which I immediately found evidence of Humans.
All around stood their massive fortresses, packed in so close they almost touched one another. High wooden walls surrounded their small patches of territory. In front of the fortresses sat huge, tank-like vehicles.
This must be a very warlike planet indeed.
I needed to gain entry into one of these fortified structures. I didn’t know what the ogres within would do to me, but this falling liquid was intolerable.
I raced to the nearest fortress. Next to its front portal was a glowing button. A push-button to open the entrance! Perhaps this would allow me to sneak in without being noticed. I leaped up and pressed it.
DING-DONG!
Hiss! Why did it make that awful noise?
