Middle School Bites

Illustrated by Mark Fearing
Ebook (EPUB)
On sale Feb 18, 2020 | 304 Pages | 9780823446377
Age 8-12 years | Grades 3-7
Tom is desperate to fit in at school, but he's hungry and howling, not to mention half dead. Blame it on the vampire - and the werewolf - and the zombie - in this monstrously funny new series from SpongeBob SquarePants head writer Steven Banks.

"Fast! Funny! Fresh!" - Chris Grabenstein, #1 New York Times best-selling author of the Mr. Lemoncello's Library series

"What are you waiting for? Open this book right now!" - Tom Angleberger, New York Times best-selling author of the Origami Yoda series

Thanks to a series of unfortunate bites, eleven-year-old Tom is a triple threat: he's a Vam-Wolf-Zom. And just in time for the first day of middle school. So much for his Invisible Tom Plan. He never thought to make a What If I Turn Into A Vampire Werewolf Zombie Plan. Maybe it's time for a Run Away and Live Somewhere Else Plan?

With the help of his irrepressible best friend, Zeke, Tom tries to accept his future. Zeke thinks being a Vam-Wolf-Zom sounds EXCELLENT! (Zeke thinks everything sounds EXCELLENT!) At least he'll be able to stand up to the sixth-grade bully. The question is will the rest of Hamilton Middle School accept the Vam-Wolf-Zom, too?

Tom's toothsome saga is illustrated with clever, cartoon-style art on every spread. Created by an Emmy-nominated writer for SpongeBob, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, and CatDog, this new series is perfect for fans of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and The Last Kids on Earth. EXCELLENT!
I went upstairs to my room in a daze. I closed the door and sat down on my bed. I couldn’t believe what I was thinking.
It was crazy.
It was unbelievable
It made no sense.
It was impossible.
But . . . it explained everything.
I hadn’t been bitten by a regular bat or a big dog or cut my hand on a zombie dummy’s teeth.
I had been bitten by . . .
A vampire bat.
An actual werewolf.
And a real zombie.

I fainted for the second time that day.

***


I woke up on the floor. For a second, I thought to myself, “Okay. That was just a dream. A really, really, really, long, super-realistic dream that lasted two days.” Then I touched the bite on my neck and looked down at the bite on my ankle and the cut on my hand. It wasn’t a dream.
It was real.
It explained the crazy stuff that had been happening.
That’s why I was hungry all the time.
That’s why the rare hamburger and rare steak tasted so good.
That’s why I couldn’t see myself in mirrors.
That’s why I was so pale.
That’s why my eyes were red and watery.
That’s why Muffin growled at me.
That’s why the sunlight coming through the window in class hurt.
That’s why Ms. Heckroth’s blood smelled good.
That’s why the garlic on Zeke’s pizza made me feel sick.
That’s why I could run so fast in Phys Ed.
That’s why, when the sun came out, I got sick and weak and fainted.
That’s why I howled in Choir.
That’s why I could pedal my bike so fast.
I was a vampire . . . a werewolf . . . and a zombie.
All three. I was a mutt. Like Muffin.
So what exactly was I?
A Vam-Wolf-Zom?
I did not have a What If I Turn into a Vampire-Werewolf-Zombie Plan.


***

It was official. I had had the worst luck of any eleven-year-old kid in the history of eleven-year-old kids. There was only one thing I could do. I called Zeke and told him everything.
There was a long pause and then he said, “EXCELLENT!”
He totally believed me right away. I knew he would.
“T-Man, I am on my way! See you in six minutes!”
Six minutes later I heard the doorbell ring. I could smell Zeke as soon as Mom opened the door. He’d had tacos for dinner. I had explained on the phone to Zeke that I’d told my Mom we had already studied that day at his house, because I needed an excuse to go to the gas station. Zeke kind of got mad that I went to the gas station without him, but he never stays mad for long.
I heard him downstairs saying, “Hi, Mrs. Marks! Tom and I are gonna study some more. We’re going to get straight A’s in all our classes this year!”
Zeke is so bad at making stuff up. Now Mom would expect me to get straight A’s.
I heard Zeke running up the stairs and down the hall. He opened my door and started to come in . . . and then he stopped in the doorway and hesitated.
“What are you doing?” I said. “Get in here and lock the door!”
He looked a little worried. “Are you gonna . . . bite me?” 
“No!”
“You sure?”
“Yes!”
He still didn’t come in. “Are you gonna try to suck my blood?”
“No! Gross! That’s disgusting! Get in here!”
Zeke stayed in the doorway. “Are you gonna try to eat me?”
“NO!”
He shrugged. “Just asking.”
Zeke came in and closed the door. I’d never seen him so excited. He was practically dancing.
“Calm down,” I said in a serious voice. “Okay, Zeke. Listen to me. The most important thing: You cannot tell ANYBODY about this. You’ve got to swear.”
Zeke raised his hand and said, “I solemnly, mega-promise-swear, that I will not tell anyone—even if they torture me—that my best friend, Tom Marks, also known as T-Man, is a vampire . . . and a werewolf . . . and a zombie!”
Zeke started dancing around the room again. “T-Man, this is the most awesomely excellent thing ever! This is so cool!”
“Are you crazy?” I said. “This is horrible! This is awful! This is the worst thing ever!”
Zeke looked at me, confused. “It is?”
“Yes! I don’t want to be a vampire and a werewolf and a zombie!”
“You don’t? I would LOVE to be a vampire and a werewolf and—Hey! Can I call you VWZ-Man, now?”
            “No!”
I could tell he was disappointed. But he always bounces back fast.
T-Man! I almost forgot!” Zeke reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. “T-Man, you gotta remember some important stuff. I made a list on the way over. Keep it in your pocket at all times.”
I looked at the list.
 
1.      Stay out of the sun.
2.      Don’t let anybody stab you in the heart with a wooden stake.
3.      Don’t let anybody shoot you with a silver bullet.
4.      Don’t let anybody chop off your head.
5.      Don’t let anybody stick something sharp into your brain.
 
“Uh, thanks, Zeke,” I said, and put the list in my pocket. “What am I gonna do now?”
Zeke raised his right arm and pointed his finger in the air. “To the Internet!” 
"Fearing adds images of pop-eyed cartoon monsters and middle-schoolers to almost every spread, capped by a startling twist at the close to set up further misadventures. A fang-tastic kickoff."—Booklist

"Tom's first-person narration is frank and engaging; much of the novel's humor arises from his wry, self-aware commentary. A good portion of the remaining humor is drawn from Fearing's grayscale spot cartoons, with their exaggerated facial expressions and exquisitely scratchy details. . . . This series opener is a howling good time."—Kirkus Reviews

"This new novel by the head writer of SpongeBob SquarePants combines typical middle school angst with a hilariously over-the-top monster movie premise. Likable, funny Tom dreams up far-fetched visions of the future. Black-and-white cartoon drawings by Fearing ramp up the humor. . . . With its enjoyable characters and wacky concept, this novel is sure to have wide appeal."—School Library Journal  


"A middle school student who is a vampire, a werewolf, and a zombie, and still fits in better than we did at that age. Laugh out loud funny and real helpful tips for getting through those grades. We wish we'd read it then."— Penn & Teller, hosts of Fool Us & world-renowned stage magicians

"Are you tired of reading books about a kid who only turns into ONE kind of monster? What if I told you about a book where a kid is TWO monsters in one? You’d want to read that book wouldn’t you? WAIT! Don’t answer yet, because this kid is not ONE, not TWO, but THREE monsters in one! What are you waiting for? Open this book right now! Tom the Vam-Wolf-Zom is standing by to tell you his story!"—Tom Angleberger, New York Times best-selling author of the Origami Yoda series

"This tale of a thrice-bitten kid who has to start middle school as a Vam-Wolf-Zom is three times as funny (and as touching) as your average struggling-to-fit-in story. It made me howl with laughter and want to pour ketchup on my food while shuffling with zombie-like determination to get my paws on the next installment. Monstrously funny."— Maryrose Wood, author of The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place series
 
"Fast! Funny! Fresh! You'll be tearing through these pages, even if you're not a vam-wolf-zom!"—Chris Grabenstein, #1 New York Times best-selling author of the Mr. Lemoncello's Library series

"Monstrously funny and hilariously terrifying! Steven Banks has been making me laugh for a very long time. Now he’s making me laugh and scream!"—Peter Hannan, creator of the Nickelodeon series CatDog
Steven Banks is a writer who received an Emmy nomination as head writer on SpongeBob SquarePants, wrote for The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron and CatDog, has appeared on TV shows like Penn & Teller's Fool Us, attended Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College, wrote a book called King of the Creeps, co-created the international theater sensation Shadowland, and lives in California with his wife. He was once bitten by a donkey, but did not turn into a Donkey Man.

Mark Fearing has never been bitten by a werewolf, a zombie, or a vampire. But he was bitten by the creative bug which is far more dangerous. Books he's illustrated include The Three Little Aliens and the Big Bad Robot, by Margaret McNamara, and Ben Franklin's in My Bathroom!, by Candace Fleming, as well as The Great Thanksgiving Escape, which he also wrote. He lives in Oregon with his family.

About

Tom is desperate to fit in at school, but he's hungry and howling, not to mention half dead. Blame it on the vampire - and the werewolf - and the zombie - in this monstrously funny new series from SpongeBob SquarePants head writer Steven Banks.

"Fast! Funny! Fresh!" - Chris Grabenstein, #1 New York Times best-selling author of the Mr. Lemoncello's Library series

"What are you waiting for? Open this book right now!" - Tom Angleberger, New York Times best-selling author of the Origami Yoda series

Thanks to a series of unfortunate bites, eleven-year-old Tom is a triple threat: he's a Vam-Wolf-Zom. And just in time for the first day of middle school. So much for his Invisible Tom Plan. He never thought to make a What If I Turn Into A Vampire Werewolf Zombie Plan. Maybe it's time for a Run Away and Live Somewhere Else Plan?

With the help of his irrepressible best friend, Zeke, Tom tries to accept his future. Zeke thinks being a Vam-Wolf-Zom sounds EXCELLENT! (Zeke thinks everything sounds EXCELLENT!) At least he'll be able to stand up to the sixth-grade bully. The question is will the rest of Hamilton Middle School accept the Vam-Wolf-Zom, too?

Tom's toothsome saga is illustrated with clever, cartoon-style art on every spread. Created by an Emmy-nominated writer for SpongeBob, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, and CatDog, this new series is perfect for fans of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and The Last Kids on Earth. EXCELLENT!

Excerpt

I went upstairs to my room in a daze. I closed the door and sat down on my bed. I couldn’t believe what I was thinking.
It was crazy.
It was unbelievable
It made no sense.
It was impossible.
But . . . it explained everything.
I hadn’t been bitten by a regular bat or a big dog or cut my hand on a zombie dummy’s teeth.
I had been bitten by . . .
A vampire bat.
An actual werewolf.
And a real zombie.

I fainted for the second time that day.

***


I woke up on the floor. For a second, I thought to myself, “Okay. That was just a dream. A really, really, really, long, super-realistic dream that lasted two days.” Then I touched the bite on my neck and looked down at the bite on my ankle and the cut on my hand. It wasn’t a dream.
It was real.
It explained the crazy stuff that had been happening.
That’s why I was hungry all the time.
That’s why the rare hamburger and rare steak tasted so good.
That’s why I couldn’t see myself in mirrors.
That’s why I was so pale.
That’s why my eyes were red and watery.
That’s why Muffin growled at me.
That’s why the sunlight coming through the window in class hurt.
That’s why Ms. Heckroth’s blood smelled good.
That’s why the garlic on Zeke’s pizza made me feel sick.
That’s why I could run so fast in Phys Ed.
That’s why, when the sun came out, I got sick and weak and fainted.
That’s why I howled in Choir.
That’s why I could pedal my bike so fast.
I was a vampire . . . a werewolf . . . and a zombie.
All three. I was a mutt. Like Muffin.
So what exactly was I?
A Vam-Wolf-Zom?
I did not have a What If I Turn into a Vampire-Werewolf-Zombie Plan.


***

It was official. I had had the worst luck of any eleven-year-old kid in the history of eleven-year-old kids. There was only one thing I could do. I called Zeke and told him everything.
There was a long pause and then he said, “EXCELLENT!”
He totally believed me right away. I knew he would.
“T-Man, I am on my way! See you in six minutes!”
Six minutes later I heard the doorbell ring. I could smell Zeke as soon as Mom opened the door. He’d had tacos for dinner. I had explained on the phone to Zeke that I’d told my Mom we had already studied that day at his house, because I needed an excuse to go to the gas station. Zeke kind of got mad that I went to the gas station without him, but he never stays mad for long.
I heard him downstairs saying, “Hi, Mrs. Marks! Tom and I are gonna study some more. We’re going to get straight A’s in all our classes this year!”
Zeke is so bad at making stuff up. Now Mom would expect me to get straight A’s.
I heard Zeke running up the stairs and down the hall. He opened my door and started to come in . . . and then he stopped in the doorway and hesitated.
“What are you doing?” I said. “Get in here and lock the door!”
He looked a little worried. “Are you gonna . . . bite me?” 
“No!”
“You sure?”
“Yes!”
He still didn’t come in. “Are you gonna try to suck my blood?”
“No! Gross! That’s disgusting! Get in here!”
Zeke stayed in the doorway. “Are you gonna try to eat me?”
“NO!”
He shrugged. “Just asking.”
Zeke came in and closed the door. I’d never seen him so excited. He was practically dancing.
“Calm down,” I said in a serious voice. “Okay, Zeke. Listen to me. The most important thing: You cannot tell ANYBODY about this. You’ve got to swear.”
Zeke raised his hand and said, “I solemnly, mega-promise-swear, that I will not tell anyone—even if they torture me—that my best friend, Tom Marks, also known as T-Man, is a vampire . . . and a werewolf . . . and a zombie!”
Zeke started dancing around the room again. “T-Man, this is the most awesomely excellent thing ever! This is so cool!”
“Are you crazy?” I said. “This is horrible! This is awful! This is the worst thing ever!”
Zeke looked at me, confused. “It is?”
“Yes! I don’t want to be a vampire and a werewolf and a zombie!”
“You don’t? I would LOVE to be a vampire and a werewolf and—Hey! Can I call you VWZ-Man, now?”
            “No!”
I could tell he was disappointed. But he always bounces back fast.
T-Man! I almost forgot!” Zeke reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. “T-Man, you gotta remember some important stuff. I made a list on the way over. Keep it in your pocket at all times.”
I looked at the list.
 
1.      Stay out of the sun.
2.      Don’t let anybody stab you in the heart with a wooden stake.
3.      Don’t let anybody shoot you with a silver bullet.
4.      Don’t let anybody chop off your head.
5.      Don’t let anybody stick something sharp into your brain.
 
“Uh, thanks, Zeke,” I said, and put the list in my pocket. “What am I gonna do now?”
Zeke raised his right arm and pointed his finger in the air. “To the Internet!” 

Reviews

"Fearing adds images of pop-eyed cartoon monsters and middle-schoolers to almost every spread, capped by a startling twist at the close to set up further misadventures. A fang-tastic kickoff."—Booklist

"Tom's first-person narration is frank and engaging; much of the novel's humor arises from his wry, self-aware commentary. A good portion of the remaining humor is drawn from Fearing's grayscale spot cartoons, with their exaggerated facial expressions and exquisitely scratchy details. . . . This series opener is a howling good time."—Kirkus Reviews

"This new novel by the head writer of SpongeBob SquarePants combines typical middle school angst with a hilariously over-the-top monster movie premise. Likable, funny Tom dreams up far-fetched visions of the future. Black-and-white cartoon drawings by Fearing ramp up the humor. . . . With its enjoyable characters and wacky concept, this novel is sure to have wide appeal."—School Library Journal  


"A middle school student who is a vampire, a werewolf, and a zombie, and still fits in better than we did at that age. Laugh out loud funny and real helpful tips for getting through those grades. We wish we'd read it then."— Penn & Teller, hosts of Fool Us & world-renowned stage magicians

"Are you tired of reading books about a kid who only turns into ONE kind of monster? What if I told you about a book where a kid is TWO monsters in one? You’d want to read that book wouldn’t you? WAIT! Don’t answer yet, because this kid is not ONE, not TWO, but THREE monsters in one! What are you waiting for? Open this book right now! Tom the Vam-Wolf-Zom is standing by to tell you his story!"—Tom Angleberger, New York Times best-selling author of the Origami Yoda series

"This tale of a thrice-bitten kid who has to start middle school as a Vam-Wolf-Zom is three times as funny (and as touching) as your average struggling-to-fit-in story. It made me howl with laughter and want to pour ketchup on my food while shuffling with zombie-like determination to get my paws on the next installment. Monstrously funny."— Maryrose Wood, author of The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place series
 
"Fast! Funny! Fresh! You'll be tearing through these pages, even if you're not a vam-wolf-zom!"—Chris Grabenstein, #1 New York Times best-selling author of the Mr. Lemoncello's Library series

"Monstrously funny and hilariously terrifying! Steven Banks has been making me laugh for a very long time. Now he’s making me laugh and scream!"—Peter Hannan, creator of the Nickelodeon series CatDog

Author

Steven Banks is a writer who received an Emmy nomination as head writer on SpongeBob SquarePants, wrote for The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron and CatDog, has appeared on TV shows like Penn & Teller's Fool Us, attended Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College, wrote a book called King of the Creeps, co-created the international theater sensation Shadowland, and lives in California with his wife. He was once bitten by a donkey, but did not turn into a Donkey Man.

Mark Fearing has never been bitten by a werewolf, a zombie, or a vampire. But he was bitten by the creative bug which is far more dangerous. Books he's illustrated include The Three Little Aliens and the Big Bad Robot, by Margaret McNamara, and Ben Franklin's in My Bathroom!, by Candace Fleming, as well as The Great Thanksgiving Escape, which he also wrote. He lives in Oregon with his family.