How to Survive Your Parents

CONTENTS

Who Is This Book For?                                                                  1

Before We Begin                                                                          3

What I Know                                                                               9

How to Use This Book                                                                  26

Frequently Asked Questions                                                         33

Starting Where We Are                                                                37

The New World                                                                           45

Repairing Disconnection                                                              84

Taking Care of Yourself                                                               108

Setting Good Boundaries                                                            137

Positive Conversations                                                               161

Beyond Your Parents                                                                  176

The End Is Not the End                                                              198

Resources                                                                                 201

WHO
IS
THIS
BOOK
FOR?
I
t may seem obvious, butHow to Survive Your Parents was written for you and not your parents. If your parents want to read and learn more aboutyou, that’s great, but they should get a different book. There are dozens of good ones out there.
And if they’re worried about what you might learn in these pages, they should relax. Seriously! I’m not going to disclose any parenting trade secrets—-and I can tell you with certainty that there aren’t any. I’m not going to equip you with manipulative superpowers either. Sorry, but those don’t exist.
What I am going to do is guide you to understandand improve one of the most important relationshipsin your life: the one that exists between you and your parents. This doesn’t mean you’re going to become best friends and enjoy beautiful Hallmark moments together. It could happen, but that’s not the goal here. The goal is to help you learn the skills needed to change how you and your parents see each other. You will talk more and argue less. You will stop clinging to resentments and rehashing old hurts. Most importantly, you will begin to see each other as separate and authentic people.
It’s possible that you might be reluctant to go forward because of what reading a book like this could mean—-that your family problems are real and not going away. That your parents aren’t the people you want them to be. That your life isn’t either. It’s okay to feel that way. You’re in the right place. There’s a reason you found this book. Or maybe a reason the book found you.
BEFORE WE
BEGIN
I
 want this book to be honest. It needs to be, because it takes too much courage for a person your age to stand up and say: “I’m hurting, and I want to try and make my life better.” The least I can do is summon my own courage and be honest with you, the reader, about these three questions:
Who am I?
Why am I writing this book?
Why should you take the time to read it?
Here goes.
First answer: At the time of writing, I’m a fifty--two--year--old married white guy with two kids (one finishing high school, one finishing college), a biggentle dog, and a fierce and discourteous cat. I live in your averagevinyl--sided ranch in Upstate New York, where I work as a psychologist at a big high school. For fun, I coach Special Olympics athletes, tinker with bikes, and play in an old--guy soccer league. I also write YA novels that focus on mental health, second chances, and the power of relationships. If this sounds overly cheerful and rehearsed, know that it’s almost impossible to make it to my age without brushing up against things like grief, despair, addiction, and even suicide.
But surviving bad things isn’t a good enough qualification for writing this particular book, so I’ll share an early story. I was fifteen when my mother and father started having marriage problems. One of them pulled me aside to vent about the other. But the venting wasn’tjust venting. It was an attempt to see if I agreed that the other parent was being unreasonable, or was in the wrong. I remember being confused at first, wondering why these people who were supposed to be competent adults were acting so badly. Andthen it hit me: They didn’t know how to handle theirproblems.
To fifteen--year--old me, this was nothing short of a revelation. My parents weren’t trying to act like assholes. They didn’t intend to put their problems on me or make our home tense and unlivable. They were desperate! They were intelligent and decent human beings but hadn’t a clue how to manage that particular stage of their relationship. And here’s the important part: The pain of it was driving them to act badly, and their acting badly was driving a wedge between us.
You’re probably thinking, “Yeah, so what? I’vebeen through way worse,” or “I know kids whose family problems are much bigger.” I know those kids too, andI agree. I’m sharing this story because the ordinary situation of my parents’ marriage problems led me tosee that my parents didn’t know what the hell they weredoing. They weren’t any better equipped to handle the stresses of life than anyone else. Andanyone else included me! That was the big realization.
In that moment, a shift occurred in which I started to see my parents differently. They went from being my mother and father to a couple of people who were struggling. Individuals who had gotten far enough in life to have a marriage, kids, careers, and a house, but didn’t know what to do next. It’s incredibly common stuff, I know. But here’s the really interesting part: What followed was not a surge of empathy or understanding from me. It was anger!
I was angry that one of the core rules of life—-as I understood it—-had been broken. Parents were supposed to have their shit together, and mine didn’t. Parents were supposed to be there for their kids. Mine weren’t. Because of this, I was going to have to rely on myself more. Sure, I’d still need plenty of help and supportfrom them, especially around the basics of food,clothing, money, and transportation. But with the big things like figuring out relationships and finding meaning, I was quite likely on my own. This was a scary thought, but it was also exciting. I felt the burden of responsibility, but also the possibility of freedom. And it has taken the last thirty--seven years to begin to understand the connection between those two things. Freedom and responsibility. We’re going to explore that connection in this book, but don’t worry: It’s not going to take you nearly as long to figure it out, and you don’t have to become a psychologist to do so.
Second answer: I was inspired to write this book by teens I’ve met and talked with across the country, in places like New York, California, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania. Some of these teens were from wealthy families, while others lived in public housing. Some were dedicated students and athletes, while many preferred to play video games, read fantasy novels, or hang out with friends. Most were sad and lonely. No matter the differences of money, status, or lifestyle, many of the teens I’ve known had one thing in common: They felt disconnected from their parents and wanted to get along better with them. They wanted to feel more warmth and love in that relationship. Even those who had experienced years of abuse and neglect! They still wanted to be close to their parents and feel like they belonged.
Maybe this shouldn’t surprise me. These are the things everyone wants.
It’s what I want too—-for myself, my children,and the teens I get to know at work. As a parent, I’ve made more mistakes than I can count. I’m still making them, but I keep trying to learn and grow. It’s the same at work, repeated over the span of thousands of teens and their families with that one constant: Teens want to get along better with their parents. They might come into my office asking for help with attention,mood, grades, or other life problems. Eventually,though, they talk about what’s really troubling them. It’s home.
Specifically, their relationships with their parents.
The feeling that they don’t belong and maybe never will.
I don’t need to describe how painful these feelings are. You probably know firsthand.
Third answer: Why should you bother reading this book? Let me start by saying I don’t possess any secret knowledge, quick fixes, or easy answers—-and I’m increasingly suspicious of anyone who claims that they do. I’m also suspicious of books with specific stepsor plans that you need to follow to see results. Why? Because everyone is unique. You’re unique. Your parents are unique. And so is your relationship with them. What I’m going to talk about instead of steps and plans are the most important things I’ve learned from my work with teens and parents, and from my experience of raising my own teens. It’s an understatement to say that it has been an adventure, and I am excited to share it with you.
WHAT
I KNOW

YOUR PAIN IS VALID.
T
he pain you’ve experienced from your struggles at home is 100 percent valid. It’s not a phase you will outgrow. It’s not teen angst, or moodiness, or out--of--control hormones, or fallout from being led astray by bad friends. It’s not just in your head. It’s not a case of you being too sensitive, weak, or dramatic. You’re not blowing things out of proportion. Your pain is real and valid.
Why do parents discredit your feelings? Because all of the incorrect explanations above are cliches that have been accepted in our culture. And cliches are always easier to accept than the truth. Or maybe adults were told the exact same things by their parents when they were your age. Maybe they were given bad advice by friends, family, or so--called experts. But regardless of the reasons, and no matter what your parents may have said, your feelings are totally legitimate. 
PERFECT DOESN’T EXIST.
There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, perfect kid, or perfect family. There are, however, plenty that look perfect. The illusion of perfection is so convincing that we end up living in a state of constant comparison where we always fall short. Each repetition of this leaves us feeling less worthy. It’s a terrible trick.
I know it’s a trick because the teens I work with tell me in exquisite detail about the lives of these allegedly perfect families. They live in beautiful homes in the best neighborhoods. The parents have prestigious jobs. They take vacations to exotic places and post lots of happy pictures where everyone seems to love one another in the deepest, truest way. The teens are the best students and athletes, belong to the right groups and clubs, and have the shiniest social lives that youcan follow minute by minute on every social media app.
But what the kids who tell me these things don’t realize is that these perfect teens and their parents have come to my office with the same problems. That’s right: The perfect families are struggling with the same issues as everyone else. Shiny on the outside, but just as raw and unhappy on the inside.
You could take this to mean a lot of things. Here’swhat it means to me: Family relationships arecomplex and always changing. When theserelationships cause you pain, it takes effort and understanding to make them better, and comparing yourself with others just gets in the way.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS.
This may seem simple enough, but it’s quite a complicated idea. Look, you and your parents may have the same last name. You may even look alike and sound alike. But you are actually separate people.
What does that mean? It means that you have the right to form your own ideas, opinions, and values. Some of your ideas, opinions, and values will clash with those of your parents, and this might be hard for them to accept. It’s going to create conflict. They may pressure you to change or fall in line, and this may make you feel sad, guilty, ashamed, or angry. But whatever the situation, you can learn how to deal with this conflict more skillfully, and that can change everything.
If it sounds hard, it is. It will likely be one of the hardest things you will ever do, which might explain why so many adults are still struggling to resolve their issues from childhood. They have not done this kind of work. It also explains why families often limp along with serious—-but fixable—-problems for years, decades, or even generations!
But doing the hard work of changing is so worth it. The reward is that you get to live your life as a whole person. You get to love and experience joy. You get to feel what it’s like to be in a relationship where both people are seen, heard, and understood. Besides, what’s the alternative? To pretend to be someone you’re not? To stay silent and hope things will change—-or hope thatother people will change? I don’t think any of these options is acceptable. I hope you agree.
YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT YOU.
Your parents have their own lives and should not be living vicariously through you. Whatever goals and ambitions they have for themselves, they should try to achieve them directly. That’s their work to do in the course of their lives. You have your own work, which you can only do if you’re free to focus on yourself. This isn’t selfishness or narcissism. There is plenty of space in life to focus on yourself and still care about others. There’s space enough, too, to focus on yourself and be part of a family.
Nowhere is this more apparent than in school and extracurricular activities. I’ve known teens who were incredibly talented at sports or music but ended up hating it. Even though they were outwardly successful—-winning games and awards—-they were succeeding for their parents and not themselves. Most of these gifted athletes and musicians ultimately quit not because of the competition or hard work involved. They quit because it felt bad to have someone else living through them. It sucked the joy from their experiences and, ultimately, became a source of anger and resentment.
One girl, a nationally ranked runner, summed it up this way: “When my mom posts my times on social media and records video for my college highlight reel, I see that she only loves me because I win. It’s the same with my coach and teammates. It feels terrible and I dream of quitting, but I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll be completely alone.”
YOU ARE NOT YOUR GRADES.
Competition for grades, college admissions, and other kinds of achievement is at an all--time high. There’s pressure to work hard in school, get good grades, and possibly take a certain number of AP classes. You may be expected to participate in sports, join after--school clubs, hold a part--time job, and volunteer. In the spaces between these activities and pursuits, you’re supposed to have a healthy, active social life.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
Does all of the above sound stressful? It is. Exhausting? Very.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing problematic about achievement, or about pursuing your own goals. Just make sure they’re your goals and not your parents’. And make sure that the pursuit of them doesn’t take over your whole life. Most importantly, challenge the message that your worth as a person is tied to your achievement. It’s not.
Quite simply, you are not your grades.
Nor are you the level of difficulty of the classes you’re taking. There’s no such thing as an AP person, or an Honors person. You’re a person. I’m a person. We’re all people.
Let’s keep going with this. You are not your GPA. Or your weighted GPA. Or your class rank.
Nor are you the sum of your extracurriculars, volunteer experiences, and sports.
You are not your highest score on the ACT or SAT.
You are not the college or university you want to go to. You are not the number of colleges you apply to. You are not your first--choice school or your safety school. You are not the college or university that your parents or siblings went to, or the one your parents or siblings would likeyou to go to.
You are not your college essay, even if it really stands out and perfectly reflects your personality and values.
Are you with me so far? If so, you might be asking, “Whoam I, then?”
You are multidimensional. You are complex and evolving. You cannot be defined by numbers, scores, levels, or acceptance rates. You will be defined instead by your experiences, and by the relationships you have with people you care about. You will be defined by your values. Your hopes and dreams. You will be defined by the things you are learning right now, and what you want to learn about in the future. You will be defined by the unique sense of meaning and purpose you are developing.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT.
First, the quality of your life has a lot to do with the quality of your relationships.
This is so important that it bears repeating. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships.
Second, the quality of your relationships depends on how well you’re able to have difficult conversations.Which is the same as having conversations about difficult subjects. I’m not expecting you to know how to do this. Most people spend most of their lives avoiding difficult conversations. A big part of the chapters that follow is aimed at teaching you the skills needed to navigate these kinds of conversations safely. That means coming away with your dignity and self--respect intact. Staying connected to your true self.
Some people think they’re having difficult conversations, but they’re really just unloading their feelings without knowing what they need from the relationship. It makes for good TV drama, but in reality, it’s a surefire way to blow up your relationships. The opposite,and equally ineffectual, approach is to quietlyretreat and swallow your feelings. What I’m talking about instead is being honest and clear about how you feeland about what you need.
When you know how to do this, the world changes. No, that’s not entirely true; the world stays the same, butyour relationships change. They become stable and supportive, leading to trust and belonging. And when that happens, you can feel good about yourself and spend more of your time on what’s important to you.