New Happy

1

How We Got It All So Wrong

There was once a man who wanted to be happy.

His childhood had been difficult. His parents didn't seem to love him. His father, especially, was cruel to him, constantly pointing out all of the ways in which he was not good enough. At school, he was left out and teased. He escaped into his favorite books, looking for comfort in their heroic tales and fantastic realms. He was determined that one day, when he was grown up, he'd leave behind all this pain and be happy.

First, he had to figure out how to do that. He looked at the world around him to learn what he needed to do to be happy, and the answer was clear: become successful, powerful, and wealthy.

He began working very hard, quickly becoming a leader in his business. His choices had a cost, though. His mind would spin, day and night, tossing his worries around and around: Was he doing enough? How could he get more? His fiancée eventually broke up with him, tiring of his growing obsession. He justified his choices to himself: "Soon, I will get there, and then I will be happy, and then I can make it up to everyone."

He miserably pursued happiness.

Yet no matter how hard he worked and how much he gained, happiness eluded him. His pain made him angry, mean, and cynical, and as time passed, he grew more and more isolated.

But then, one day many years later, a miracle happened. He woke up, and he was happy!

What happened? Did he finally "get there," achieving the specific, elusive level of success that would guarantee happiness?

Or was it something else? If so, what could possibly change this man's life, after so many years of misery, in such a powerful way?

Happiness Drives Everything We Do

We all want to be happy: this man, you, me, and everyone we know.

Happiness is the single most important goal in a human being's life. It drives everything you do. Every goal you set. Every decision you make. Every action you take. They all ladder up to it, seeking a way to make you happier, whether it's in the short term or the long term:

- The breakfast you picked up this morning

- The job you're interviewing for

- The exercise program you're starting

- The person you're dating

- Your weekend plans

- Your career aspirations

- Your big life goals

They all promise happiness in some form or another. It's like we're being guided by a compass inside us, one that is always pointed toward our version of true north-happiness.

In one study across forty-seven nations, students ranked happiness as "extraordinarily important,'' the single most important goal in their life.

In our brains, circuits help us pursue what we think will make us happy. When we want something, our brain kicks off a motivational process that compels us to set out and pursue it. When we get that thing, we experience a surge of positive, pleasurable feelings. Over time, this process teaches us that certain things reliably will make us feel good, thus inspiring us to want to pursue them again.

People show up in therapy and say, "I just want to be happy." Parents describe their dearest hope for their children as, "I want them to be happy." We say it to ourselves when we're trying to make a decision: "What choice will make me happy?"

This validates what William James, the father of American psychology, wrote back in 1902: "How to gain, how to keep, how to recover happiness is in fact for most men at all times the secret motive for all they do."

Up until now, your happiness compass has probably been invisible to you. If you take a step back from your daily behaviors and choices, though, you can start to notice it. The best way to do it is to get in touch with your inner toddler and ask yourself, "Why did I make that decision?"

Say you're frustrated at work and thinking about leaving your job.

- Why are you considering that? Because it is creating a lot of stress in your life.

- Why is it creating stress for you? Because the job is not a good fit for you.

- Why isn't it a good fit for you? Because you're not getting to do what you're best at.

- Why do you want to do what you're best at? Because you think it will make you happy.

Or imagine that you're trying to choose what to do after high school.

- Why do you want to go to college? Because it'll help you learn a valuable skill.

- Why do you want to learn a valuable skill? Because it will help you get a good job after graduating.

- Why do you want to get a good job after graduating? Because it will help you earn lots of money.

- Why do you want to earn lots of money? Because you will be able to buy all of the things that you want.

- Why do you want to buy all of the things that you want? Because it will make you happy.

Eventually, if you ask "Why?" enough times, you will hit the deepest, driving desire: happiness. As the French philosopher and mathematician Blaise Pascal said, "All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views."

Yet despite happiness being our most important goal, so many of us are unhappy. Studies find that Americans are the unhappiest they've been in fifty years. One in three Americans are lonely. Twenty percent of Americans are dealing with a mental illness, and in one recent survey, 76 percent of working Americans reported at least one symptom of a mental health condition. Between 2000 and 2018, suicide rates grew by 35 percent.

If the pursuit of happiness drives every single thing that we do, why are we so miserable?

Your Definition of Happiness

To answer this question, let's return to the man from the beginning of this chapter. You have met him before and heard his story many times, only told in a different way.

This man's name is Ebenezer Scrooge. He's the famously miserable man who spreads gloom all around him but who is, deep down, someone who just wants to be happy, like you and me.

Scrooge's only problem was that he had a bad definition of happiness. It led him to make choices that made himself and others miserable.

You might be wondering what a definition of happiness is and how changing it could possibly have such a huge impact. You'd be right to do so, given it's something we rarely discuss. Before that day crying on my bedroom floor, I wouldn't have known how I defined happiness either. My definition was so embedded that I took it for granted as the truth. It never once occurred to me that it was an idea, something that could be changed.

Our definition is so important because the word happiness itself is a fuzzy, vague concept. We all know what it feels like, but it's not something we can point to, like a chair or a flower or a snail. Philosophers and scientists have been squabbling over what happiness is for thousands of years, proposing hundreds of different definitions.

When you look up happiness in the dictionary, the word is defined as "a state of well-being and contentment." Not helpful. If happiness drives everything we do, we need to have an idea of what will lead to this state.

In the absence of a clear definition, we look to the world to tell us what happiness is. This definition gets documented in our own personal dictionary of beliefs:

This will make me happy.

From there, this definition guides all of the decisions that you make and the actions that you take in your lifelong pursuit of happiness.

When Scrooge's dead business partner, Jacob Marley, and the three ghosts visited him on Christmas, he was shocked into realizing how wrong his definition of happiness was.

He suddenly could see it all so clearly. The path of money and success-pursuits stemming from a deep place of not feeling good enough, which lead to isolation-would never make him happy. If he continued living in this way, he would die alone and unloved, a loss only remarked upon with exclamations of relief.

Desperately, Scrooge pleaded with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, "Assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life!"

Scrooge was given a second chance. He took it. He woke up and began living in a brand-new way. His neighbors didn't recognize him because no one had ever seen him smiling. With one choice, he changed his whole life, and he went from being the most miserable man around to becoming "as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world."

We know this story as a fable, but I think we should look at it in another light: a cautionary tale. When I ask people about how they were taught to define happiness, I get remarkably similar answers. Scrooge just took them to the extreme.

The world has told us that happiness comes from:

- Being perfect, or as close to it as possible

- Making more and more money

- Acquiring more and more stuff

- Conforming to the prescribed path

- Working harder and harder (and never resting or slowing down)

- Gaining fame, popularity, and acclaim

- Competing against other people (and winning)

This is Old Happy-our society's broken definition of happiness that is, in fact, the very source of our deep unhappiness.

As it turns out, none of these things make us happy. Studies show that perfectionism is a leading cause of depression and anxiety. The more you value getting lots of stuff, the more your well-being decreases. Overworking significantly harms your physical and mental health. Denying who you really are and what matters to you leads to ill-being. The pursuit of goals like fame and fortune often prevents you from fulfilling your true psychological needs of authenticity and connection. Viewing life as a competition increases stress and loneliness.

In a recent podcast interview, Shaquille O'Neal-one of the most recognizable figures in sports and culture, whose long list of accomplishments includes multiple National Basketball Association (NBA) most valuable player (MVP) honors and four NBA championships-described an extreme manifestation of Old Happy: "I live in a thirty-thousand-square-foot house by myself. You don't think I know I messed up?"

If you're wondering whether Old Happy has infiltrated your life, see if any of these statements from our community members resonate with you:

"I never feel like I'm good enough."

"I got what I thought I wanted. I still feel miserable."

"I never let myself take breaks or rest."

"It feels like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not."

"I feel so lonely all of the time."

"Am I the only one who is secretly miserable but pretending not
to be?"

"I'm doing what I'm 'supposed' to do. Why isn't it working?"

We build our lives around the pursuit of Old Happy. We push ourselves harder and harder to achieve it. We craft a culture that encourages, incentivizes, and forces it. And, tragically, many of us die having never really been happy, sold a false bill of goods but holding out hope until the end that somehow, we'll "get there."

However, like Scrooge, we can change our definition before it's too late. I'm here to be the Ghost of Happiness Yet to Come, to show you how your definition of happiness might be leading you astray and to give you the tools, science, and support to redefine happiness and live the life you deserve.

Lasting Happiness Is Possible

For the last ten years, one question has consumed me: What is a better definition of happiness? As I read thousands of academic studies and hundreds of books by philosophers and theologians and artists and leaders, I traced two threads that appeared again and again: you need to be yourself, and you need to give of yourself.

I discovered that same message, written in different words by different people. For example, Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, wrote, "There is but one solution to the intricate riddle of life, to improve ourselves and contribute to the happiness of others."

In every tradition and discipline, people were describing it. Marie Curie, winner of two Nobel Prizes, wrote, "Each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful."

Our most beloved leaders and cherished icons championed it, as when Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others."

I traced these threads through the science, too. Studies show that using your unique strengths makes you feel happier, helps you grow, and offers a venue for self-expression. People who are connected to others live longer, happier lives. Integrating the two leads to a sense of meaning and purpose, makes an impact on the world, and provides you with the feeling that your life matters.

Here was the answer to my question: to be happy, discover who you are and share yourself in ways that help other people. This is the path to happiness, and I call it New Happy.

In some ways, it's not really new. Many years ago, people like Aristotle and the Buddha were advocating for something similar. However, not only were their ideas hard enough to apply at the time, but our world has changed dramatically since then. They also didn't have access to what we have: the wonders of modern science, which have helped us confirm many of their insights but also take them much, much further. The New Happy philosophy has been shaped by their wisdom but is grounded in modern research and expanded to address our real-life needs.